I broke my crown on a fiber gummy

Ah, middle-age

Until recently, the most middle-age thing I’ve ever said was in a discussion with other middle-aged friends where we all ended up discussing our various colonoscopy preps. (Yes, this happened. And Reader, it has happened more than once. I shit you not. (Haha)). I don’t remember exactly what I said, but the entire discussion, frankly, counts.

I went through menopause early (starting at 38, finishing at 46), and this has also been the subject of some of the most middle-aged conversations I’ve ever had. The rage. The hot flashes. The incandescent horror of having to pee 90447948973984 times in the middle of the night. While sweating. And being roughly the same temperature as the sun.

Middle-aged women live the real hot girl summer. And fall. And winter. And spring. We are the hottest of all the hotties and we will cut you.

There’s some other things, like body aches and pains, especially backs or knees, and the creaking and crunching and popping sounds. We all seem to have a thing or two in middle-age. But that’s just background noise at this point.

What gets me is the shit that comes out of nowhere. Like the other night, when I ate a fiber gummy (a supplement that was recommended after my colonoscopy), and it sucked the goddamn crown off of my back molar.

Seriously.

I carefully extricated the crown from the gummy, and saved it, and found a new dentist (my excellent former dentist stopped taking my insurance), who glued my crown back onto my molar-nub today.

“How did you lose the crown?” he asked. “A nut?”

“No,” I said. “A fiber gummy.”

“Those gummies can be sticky,” he said, with a mostly straight face.

Reader, I have not stopped laughing about the absurdity of all of this, and I am grateful to be doing so with my newly glued crown back in my mouth, and all of my teeth neatly in a row again. Of all the horror and stress of the past several weeks, it’s good to know that yes, stupid stuff still happens, and it’s not all end of the world madness.

And my goodness, does it feel good to be able to fix something. Even something so small.

Although I might be switching to powdered Metamucil from now on.

Which might be the most middle-aged thing I’ve ever said.