Reader, my mother’s house is haunted. We have been here several days at this point, and I am completely convinced. Everything in the house is as I left it the last time I saw it. There are boxes in nearly every room. Some things are packed, some are on the floor, some are waiting to be sorted. Everything that belongs to my brother (that he said he would come get months ago) is still here. (And the table he smashed is still in the garage—a fairly disturbing reminder of his newfound violence and threats.) The house, Reader, in other words, remains in the liminal space of being uninhabited but not ready for sale. It’s the perfect place for ghosts.
And there is a ghost here. I noticed him a few days ago, slinking around a corner. Then again, sitting in the upstairs hallway. And then yesterday, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him saunter from the living room into the kitchen, hugging the wall. That was the moment that I knew that I wasn’t crazy, because I realized the ghost I was seeing was the ghost of my mother’s cat.
Shadow died at least five years ago. He was about 18, maybe, we were never sure. A grey and white cat who didn't like most people, but adored my mother, Shadow was the only animal who ever lived in my mother’s house. When my mom moved to assisted living, his ashes were one of the first things I moved to her new apartment.
And yet, here he is, standing just on the edges of perception, like a palimpsest in the spaces of the house. I turn my head, and in the moment between habit and attention, I see him turning a corner or climbing the stairs.
Because what is a ghost if not a transparency of the past, shifting up through the layers of memory? And if there is anything my mom’s house is full of right now it’s layers of memory, and boxes of old photographs, and dust.
We’re all haunted sometimes, by ghosts or by memories or by moments that never quite slip away. Sometimes we need exorcisms to get rid of these hauntings, and sometimes the only thing we need to do is accept them for what they are, and what they always were.
Temporary.
❤️❤️